Wednesday, December 24, 2025

My Five Favorite Cookies

 This blog is strictly RPG related but for Christmas my girlfriend wanted me to write something on here where I ranked my favorite cookies. I don't know if I eat cookies often enough to have a strict ranking of my favorite types of cookies, but I know what my favorites are, so I'll do that. In no particular order, here are 5 of my favorite cookies.

Peanut Butter Cookies


Peanut butter is good. Cookies are good too. When you combine them together they're okay but they're not the best because they can be very one note. Your peanut butter cookies must not be too big or they will be monotonous and they should probably have something else within them like chocolate or jam if you want to be cute. Still, peanut butter cookies are pretty good. They're on the list. 

Molasses Cookies


Sort of an unusual one but I like molasses cookies as a soft chewy cookie, the flavor is usually a little more complex than a snickerdoodle in my opinion, and they're just a nice color too. I don't eat these very often, but I could see myself actively seeking out such a cookie, which means they're on the list. Congratulations to Molasses Cookies

Crinkle Cookies



Dude, I love crinkle cookies. Red velvet especially, yes, yes, I know it's usually just chocolate with food coloring, and no, no, I do not care. I like the red. Plus, this cookie is a perfect example of how we eat with our eyes, the presentation of the chocolate cracking out from underneath the powdered sugar is lovely. You can also make ube crinkle cookies, which I have done, and which are bright purple, but I honestly don't know if I prefer them over the chocolate variant. Ube is sort of a low key flavor, and I like it a lot, but whenever I've made ube crinkle cookies, it comes out tasting like cookie with none of the ube.

Macaron


Something about this inclusion feels like cheating but the thing you have to know about me is that I prefer a fruit flavor over a chocolate flavor like 9 times out of 10. A cookie that delivers on that, well that's perfect! Macarons are just so diverse that they can meet a lot of your different cookie needs in delightful ways. They're a bit bougier than the other inclusions on the list but I don't really care, I like them, so they stay.

Oatmeal Raisin Cookies


For years you monsters have made me ashamed to admit this but this is my number one cookie and there isn't a goddamn thing you can do about it. I love oatmeal raisin cookies. Every time someone whines about biting into one of these heavenly confections whilst thinking it's chocolate chip I laugh. There is scorn in my voice as I laugh. Nothing you can do, or say, will ever make me wander from the light of the oatmeal raisin cookie. Your chocolate chips are NOTHING to me, NOTHING. You are weaker than I am, if you turn your nose up at this cookie, and I pity you for that, pity your rejection of anything fruit based in your desserts. You are a lost soul too afraid to see the light, the worldly paradise that awaits you if you just eat the goddamn raisins and like it. NBD though more cookies for me.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.

Saturday, December 20, 2025

Chainlink #3: Kobolds

 

Everything they've told you
about him is a filthy, filthy lie

Kei Laori is the name of an equatorial peninsula on the continent of Lakarta, along with a nearby set of islands. For the past few centuries, Kei Laori has been under the rule of Medura, a local kingdom, paying taxes in exchange for naval protection and autonomy. The communities on the islands are mostly made up of fishermen, whereas the peninsula sports a large number of farmers. In particular, they grow a sort of red banana which the king of Medura is said to enjoy greatly. The region has a local species of great ape, typically referred to as Laori Apes, which resemble chimpanzees, though they are a bit smaller than their cousins. The region was also home to a spellcaster of some note, Marsi of Niva, who arrived at the age of 34, remaining until his death 99 years later. 

Marsi was a beast mage of exceptional quality; to call him a generational talent would be understating his capabilities entirely. It would not be unreasonable to say that since the collapse of the Chelicurae, Marsi was the single greatest beast mage the world had ever seen, some hailing him as a scion of their lost empire, despite the impossibility. He was, as all beast mages were, fascinated with the Chelicurae, and his writings on their history are some of the best in the world, though they are still fragmented and deeply flawed. Marsi was responsible for the creation of several creatures which have been rather difficult to replicate owing to their complexity and seemingly inevitable instability. Of course, Marsi fancied himself a creator of life, and as such, he was inclined to create monsters which could breed, meaning several of his creatures are still around today, none more numerous than the kobolds.

When Marsi arrived upon the peninsula, he introduced himself to the local governor, informed him he would be building a keep on the south side of the peninsula, away from most of the larger settlements, and that he would not bother them. Marsi was an odd neighbor to the people of Kei Laori, and though there was some friction due to the strange beasts which he carried with him, generally, he was harmless. Marsi would venture into the capitol (barely a city, and more of a very large village) on occasion if he wished to buy or sell something, usually accompanied by strange, pale creatures, somewhat evocative of the Laori apes, but bird faced and armed with blades. Kobolds, he called them. Sometimes Marsi would not show up at all, and in his stead, several of his kobolds would arrive with wagons, bags of gold, and grocery lists. Gradually, Marsi stopped showing up altogether, though his apes did not. Marsi's health had taken a turn for the worse, and in the final few years of his life he was bed bound, forcing him to send his kobolds out on their own. After his death, all at once, the visits ceased, and gradually, the raids began. 

Small groups of kobolds would emerge from the woods, and wander into the market, wandering aimlessly before grabbing at the ample food stores on display. At first they were chided, then rebuked, when they did not provide payment, with most in the village believing they were still under Marsi's control. One such confrontation turned violent, an elderly fisherman drew a knife on a kobold which has snatched his fishing net, and chased after it. The kobold drew a rusty scimitar and the two fought, briefly, it did not take long for the kobold to close the distance between it and the fisherman, and it was surprisingly efficient with its blade. The fisherman bled out, and the kobold was killed by a mob.

After several such incidents, kobolds generally began to maintain distance from human settlements, and chance encounters with them in the woods became more violent. Eventually this would escalate into a sort of war, kobolds would arrive en masse at a village, brandishing their blades and howling like demons, taking any food they could get their hands on and fleeing into the woods. At this point, a formal request for aid against the strange beasts was made, and the King of Medura sent a battalion of soldiers to the peninsula to deal with the threat. The next time the kobolds attacked, they were met with a shower of arrows. Not to be deterred, they began arriving to the villages with shields. There were several degrees of escalation from this point onwards which culminated in a campaign of extermination, the strange beasts were to be driven from the region all together. This campaign was ultimately unsuccessful in eradicating the kobolds, but it did manage to push them away from most of the peninsula's settlements, and into the deep jungle. 

A century on, plagues of kobolds are much less of a problem in Kei Laori. They remain a common fixation of today's beast mages, who are typically greeted by locals with suspicion, given how badly the last guy seems to have fucked things up for their province. It is because of these mages that the kobolds of Kei Laori have spread to other parts of the world, typically becoming a nuisance wherever they go. 

What is a Kobold?

From afar they resemble stark white chimps. As one approaches, they will notice their giant, dinner-plate eyes, orange and slitted like a bird of prey. They have beaks too, concealing small needle like teeth. Their bodies are dotted with white scales, which alternate with areas of pale fur. They have teeny little tails on their butts, sort of like a pterosaur's. The component pieces which Marsi used to create kobolds aren't fully known but it is seemingly obvious that primates were involved somewhere in the process. Their physiology is not the primary point of curiosity but rather their brains, which are the result of some incredibly sophisticated magical tinkering. 

Kobold brains are like sponges. If a kobold spends enough time simply observing someone performing a skill, they can do it too, and they'll be pretty good at it. They use tools almost like the mortal peoples, though they seem to be rather bad at making things in any sort of industrial sense, and attempts to teach them language of any sort have been unsuccessful. There are many decent swordsmen among their ranks, however, which is a skill Marsi was keen to foster, as his primary use for kobolds was as guardsmen. Kobolds also have minds that are utterly vulnerable to mental suggestion, especially in the way of charm spells. This makes them decent minions for mages, but they do still have the chance to snap out of it and maul you. This doesn't stop many wizards from swinging by the peninsula and grabbing a handful of the buggers, of course.

When they fight, they use swords, shields, spears, whatever they can get their hands on. They throw rocks and knives, and are constantly screaming. Their goal is not necessarily to kill you, but to get you to go away, and so they will be loud, and scary, but usually won't follow you as you trip over your own feet trying to get away from them.

Kobolds are intelligent the way smart animals are intelligent, but their tool usage makes them seem more like people. Their intelligence seems to have been intentionally bounded by Marsi, seemingly in an effort to minimize the chances of rebellion against him. They have an average lifespan of about 40 years, but some exceptional kobolds might live longer, the oldest known subject being an individual known as the Grandmaster, believed to be a little over a century old. Kobolds seem to grow in size as they age, the Grandmaster is more comparable in size to a gorilla, and fights with a greatsword scavenged off of a Meduran soldier. He is, by most accounts, sluggish and slothful, spending most of his days sleeping in the canopy, kept fed by his mates and children. His body is a library of scars, earned from challenges with rivals and the occasional duel with a mortal opponent. It is often hypothesized that the Grandmaster is one of the greatest swordsmen in the world, though most mortal swordsmen dispute the idea that a mere beast could be so skilled. 

Maybe I'll detail more of Marsi's monsters at some point, the region probably has to deal with more than just the kobolds. I made these guys because wanted an intelligent animal type monster that uses tools, I think there's something interesting about finding a weird bird-ape thing that fights with a scavenged sword but is not necessarily a person, or intelligent enough to be malicious. They're animals, just like chimps, but they can be aggressive and dangerous, and fight in a pretty unusual way for animals. They're also a bit inspired by those monkeys with the katanas in Sekiro (and probably the humandrills from one piece, in retrospect), in fact I'm just now realizing the Grandmaster basically looks like Owl but if he was a weird creature instead of a human.

Friday, December 19, 2025

Chainlink #2: Monster Making

Owlbear, by Ilse Gort.


A chimera is a single entity created from the fusion of multiple animals, beasts which should not be. Their classification is mostly for our benefit, most within Coris would not necessarily see them as a unified thing. Wizards like chimeras because they're scary and unique, but they take a substantial amount of effort to craft. They must be constructed from composite parts, by taking multiple creatures and invoking the crucible mind Tiamat. Still, this ritual has it's quirks, making a monster is about more than just putting two animals in the same space and trying to merge their essences; animals have wills and spirits and personalities, and these things can clash rather wildly. There is an art to the practice, an internal logic that can be followed when creating monsters to ensure generally stable results. Most beast mages have a handful of stock recipes they may have discovered throughout their careers, which are guarded from rivals and traded amongst friends. The undisputed masters of the craft were the Chelicurae, the ancient human empire which transcended the bounds of their original flesh. They created the beastfolk, an act which would be nigh impossible with the fragmented understanding of flesh transmutation that exists today. Beast mages have an intense interest in the Chelicurae, and will often pay adventurers good money to delve into ancient ruins to gather samples of the strange creatures rotting in their archaic bio-pods. 

While the craft is certainly not what it once was, there are guidelines for creating monstrosities which can be followed to help achieve desired results. Typically, that desire is stability, meaning a monster that will have a lifespan roughly equivalent to its component parts. The more unstable your creation, the more of a chance it has of developing fatal tumors as its incompatible biologies tear it apart, especially unstable creatures will mutate rapidly, sometimes not even lasting more than a few hours. Outside of the rare cases where a mayfly is desired, the chimera's stability is key. As such, any enterprising beast mage should bear in mind the following tips.

Rule 1: Stabilizing Numbers

Prowling Serpopard, by Tyler Jacobson. Snakes are good for chimeras 
because they don't have any limbs, makes the numerology easier.


Chimeric creation involves the invocation of Tiamat, mother of all monstrous life. Tiamat is, of course, a naturally chaotic creature, which is part of why some chimeras become so unstable, they inherit the essence of their ancient mother and begin to rip and tear at their own seams. Creating stable monstrosities is therefore a matter of finding the order within chaos. Numbers are very significant to monster making, especially the numbers five and six. Tiamat has five heads, she spawned five elder evils, her child the apocalypse serpent will be a being of five parts. To invoke five (five limbs, five heads, five component beasts) will invite chaos into the creature, causing rapid destabilization.  The invocation of six is a soothing, preserving element of creation, as it mirrors Tiamat's prison, constructed by Nestaar, one of the Primordials who warred with her. Six bolts of thunder and cold fire, driven like nails through each head and her heart. True Dragons, children of Tiamat and the Primordials, have six limbs, as such they are moderately stable. Accordingly, chimeras are often six limbed as well. 

Two other minor stabilizing and destabilizing numbers are four and eight accordingly, four because it represents normalcy in most creatures (said to have a will of four parts composed of their humors) and eight because it is four doubled, and invites two opposing wills to manifest within the creature, which is naturally dangerous. Avoiding increasing multiples of four is also rather important for the same reason.

Rule 2: Keep it Simple, Stupid

Too many ingredients and the monster will start to collapse under its own weight. This one is a simple one, but also an important one. Some monstrosities might be imbued with special magical energy during their creation (manifesting as organic runic hardware once they are birthed), which can put similar strain on their form. Basically, it's best to keep it generally simple, an overly complicated creature will be more likely to be disorderly, or you will be more likely to falter with your intent and accidentally create a scorpion chimpanzee bunny rabbit instead of a bunny rabbit chimp scorpion. No crazy fucking monsters, unless you want it to start eating itself.

Rule 3: Like with Like

Udaak, by Kent Davis. This thing is probably like two gorillas or some shit


A particularly big one here, animals that are similar to one another will have fewer issues than those which are particularly distant. The simplest, most stable, and easiest chimeras to make are recursive chimeras, monsters where the animals involved are from the same species. Six legged, four eyed wolves which are twice as smart, mean, and big as their component parts are one such recipe. The more radically different two animals are in terms of genetics, the harder combining them gets. This also applies to attitude, of course. Wolves and deer are both mammals, but one is a predator, and the other is a prey animal. Such a creature would likely be unpredictable and deeply anxious. A wolf and an eagle are pretty different biologically, but they both hunt, and so the creature will likely not be quite as confused, internally speaking.

Rule 4: Keep it Stupid, Stupid

Monsters that use mortals (ie, any sufficiently intelligent being that is made of meat) as component will almost certainly be incredibly unstable. Mortal spirits make for bad monsters, that are likely to be incredibly unstable, unhappy, and hard to control. Intelligence in general, however, is something of a taboo. The smarter a monster is, the riskier it becomes to treat it as an instrument or display piece. Intelligent monsters have an alarming tendency to murder their creators in a grisly fashion and flee into the countryside where they prey on farmers and terrorize travelers. Making an intelligent monster, especially one which has predatory creatures as component pieces, is sort of like putting the brain of a serial killer into a murder robot. It's a bad idea, and it should be avoided.

Rule 5: Consider the dragon

Chimera, artist unknown (to me, shout if you know who did this piece).
Piecemeal fusions like this are probably pretty unstable,
so it's a good thing they used a dragon.


If you want to break these rules for whatever reason, consider adding a dragonoid creature to the mix when you make your chimera. Draconic flesh is the purest representation of Tiamat's nature in the world; it welcomes aberrant life and mutation like old friends, soothes chaos and disorder, lets the impossible hum with life for just a little longer than it should. Draconic bases allow for more cohesive chimeras, though they will still likely have a host of problems, and dragons are hard to come by, and harder to pacify for such a ritual. 

Life, uh...

Typically monstrosities are sterile, owing to their unique biologies, though just as often they are intentionally sterilized. This is done in order to control the market on chimeras; if people want monsters, they can't just breed their own, they have to go through beast mages. Still, sometimes reproducing monsters are desirable, in which case it will likely not surprise you to learn that the more stable the monster, the more reliably it will be able to reproduce. Reproduction means you don't have to go through a taxing ritual whenever you make a monster, but it also introduces a lot of chaos. There's potential for normal mutations, you have to wait until creatures are ready to mate, then you have to raise the monstrous cub, the whole thing can be more trouble than it's worth. Monstrosities that are capable of reproducing can also quickly become invasive pests or threats to the local ecosystem, as with the Kobolds of Keia Larsh, more on that next time.

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